A - For Anxiety (Part 1)

Have you all seen the recent movie that was released on emotions, it was called “INSIDE OUT 2”. It is such a great movie and it perfectly defined what Anxiety is and what it can actually do inside your brain. Funny story, I was dealing with this Emotion in particularly for many years and through those years, it never really caused any issues, until life happened and many unpredictable and unachievable goals suddenly ruled over my brain.

I am sure all of you have heard of this word at some point of your life. I first heard of it in the BIBLE, back then i didn't have any reason to be anxious or upset about anything. I didn't even know what the real meaning could have been and why was this so important to God. I even shunned it thinking its the most unimportant element of the Bible and Christian Life. Its only when i experienced it first hand and have been experiencing it on and off is when i realized that this is not something simple and its not something that is rare and it is definitely not something that we can ignore and let off. It tests your faith, it pushes you to the extreme, it literally changes the course of your mind.

                        Many people don't talk about it, as sometimes everything to do with the mind is considered a taboo especially in India. I don't live for what others think. I believe what I experience, I talk about what I have gone through, so it is different for different people and I respect that people have different perspective.

  Anxiety hit me hard, on March 2021. First wave of COVID was over. The world was recovering, we were slowly coming out of our homes. Suddenly I woke up and I was someone else. Nothing mattered to me, I was blank, perplexed, confused, fearful and silent. I had chest pains every night, I had low blood pressure, chills in the body, no desire for anything. I was having diarrhea continuously throughout the day, this went on for 20 days. I absolutely lived on air and some food like Khanji all these days. My brain wiring went for a toss, and I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I felt calm when I was in the hospital, in front of the doctors. I used to tell them, I am having a severe chest pain, some weird compression, not able to breathe, I am scared, something bad will happen. "Am I having a Heart Attack."

                        Anxiety never struck me, that word was not even part of my dictionary. My husband realized, that he was mentally losing me and he really didn't know what to do. Every test I took came back normal. He tried everything to calm me down. He took me on a date, he got me things I have asked in the past, he even got me scented candles and spa soaps(if you know him, you will know this is ten steps up!). But I was the same, I never changed, I had no interest in food, I was always scared, the mother who encouraged her children to go fast in a cycle and run and play as fast as they can, couldn't even see them play and was having a rush of fear within me that something will happen to them. I had the crazy fear that Ian will choke on Biriyani, or Shawn will fall off the bed, or something else will happen and it went on. I couldn't take care of my kids. I just couldn't. Anxiety started affecting my life and I didn't even know that this was anxiety.

                       That is when, Alok read that Dark Chocolate might help lift up mood and he sent me to a Baker Friend's place to get a bag full of chocolates. I went in, asked her for the bag, she told me "Sit Down Akka, I will bring it". I was staring blank into space. She came back and asked me, "Akka, I feel something is wrong with you?, Are you ok? Why did you go to the doctor?"  I told her everything and she told me "Akka, I think you have "Anxiety"!" She told me people have it, you can journal, keep track and calm yourself down. I was like, "What in the world is Anxiety?"

                       Through all this, there was one very good Doctor cousin sister of mine she still is, that listens to everything I say. She suggested all the tests, she analyzed all my symptoms and told me "Your brain wire has been elasticised a lot ma, if you dont take a break, and figure out how to solve the issues, it might just break and if it breaks it will be very difficult to rewire it" She asked me to confront all my failures, sadness, issues, regrets and put them in front and analyze, cause that is the only way you can come back to normalcy.

                       I cried to Alok, I cried in the car to my father in law, I cried alone, I hugged my children and cried, I frantically cried to my parents, all listened, all cared and all wanted me to recover, but no one knew how. Even through all this, I thought that I have such a good life, it’s a crime for me to feel this in the first place. We were going to leave our house and go into our new home, in my state, I couldnt pack anything. I felt lost, filled with fear and darkness, but I knew that when no one can do it, I knew God can pull this off, He can bring me back, but I didnt know what to ask him. I went up to the terrace, I took my BOSE speakers, and yes, they are the best sound system in the world, placed it between our terrace garden and played a playlist off Apple. I tried hard to remember the song, but my memory is giving way, It was a song, that had the lyrics "Sometimes God breaks parts of you, so he can make you into something new". That lyrics stuck to me. I felt it within me, I felt God closer than ever, I knew I was going to be healed, and this phase was to teach me what anxiety looks like, and maybe be of some help and use to people who experience it. I entered my new home, things changed slowly, but it did change. I felt a big change within me, I felt like a new person, but with every detail of me being Raw and Me.

                       I was back. But Anxiety is a funny thing, it doesnt leave you so fast and it is almost always in your control to actually not trigger it. But humans as we are, we trigger it many times. Fear is the main reason for the trigger. Pain and regrets is another trigger. Anger is the worst trigger. Grief, is bad in itself, but when mixed with anxiety it can open a box full of darkness. Its safe to say that Anxiety visits sometimes, but cannot stay long, as I have over come fear through GOD. (This is a topic for a whole new blog). But here are somethings that I told myself, Anxiety cannot be a long term diagnosis, I cant fear Anxiety, Anxiety (which is basically fear) will cause more issues that what I am fearing for will cause, Its not worth it to get angry, fearfull, stressed or upset - as at the end of the day, if anxiety strikes you, that anger, fear and stress will not even matter but anxiety and its crazy symptoms will make you feel the worst.

                      Bottomline, this blog was mainly to tell you all, part 1 story on Anxiety. Part 2 might come a bit later. Do let me know in your comments below if any of you actually felt this and if this really hit hard to you ever and you didnt even realise it.